Approval and Acceptance

“Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu

“Everyone is chasing something in life. A rookie chasing a dream. A man or woman chasing redemption for the things they either were forced to do or chose to do. The man or woman, chasing and accepting the love of another soul. They all seek the same things, regardless of whether they know it or not. What is the common denominator?

Approval.

They believe in their heart of hearts that the opinions of others matter. They believe by gaining that approval and acceptance that it will make a difference. Accepting a burden that is either forced upon you or believed was forced upon you. It’s only a burden if you believe it to be. Really though, what is a burden? According to the dictionary, it’s a load, typically a heavy one. Some people believe they have to accept their burden, unknown to them it was never theirs to accept or reject. It was never placed on them to begin with.

Burden’s are almost always placed on us by no one other than the person we see in that mirror each morning. So, when you start talking about a burden, look at yourself in the mirror and change your outlook. It always comes back to the same thing though. Seeking the approval of others. It’s your mom and dad, or the kids you grew up with, or even your peers. That is one of the biggest traps you can fall into in life. These are the things you have to overcome in order to get out of your own way.

Be your own person, don’t seek their approval or their acceptance. They don’t pay your bills, and they aren’t the one that has to climb into that ring each week.”

{Somewhere Near Downtown Baltimore, MD - two weeks ago - “Maggie’s Revenge”}

[Off-Camera]

No helmet, sixty five miles an hour, just a leisurely pace. The feeling of the wind against my face, if I had to describe freedom, that’s how I would describe it. I began to decrease my speed as my exit came into view. I took the ramp off of the highway and coasted into a nearby apartment complex. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket as I shifted into neutral and came to a stop in the designated parking place. Turning the ignition off and setting the kickstand, I check my phone. One message from Jules, my daughter sent me a reminder about Amber’s birthday. I had a few minutes until I had to meet this information broker so I called up a local florist. I placed my order, they thought that I was joking when I ordered 200(dozen) of roses. I told them I would come to the shop after I was finished here to confirm my order and pay for it.

This drop and pick up had been arranged by some of Jeff’s people in the NSA. He was an informant that they used often when they needed information about military personnel going rogue. The informant who referred to himself as “Meander”, had given detailed instructions via a burner phone. So, I dug my straw cowboy hat out of the saddle bag and put it on. My description had to match exactly with what this informant had been told or there would be no exchange. I understood, when you do what this guy does to make money, no amount of caution is enough.

I’d been to this area before, it was a bit colder the last time I was here. Today, it’s a sleeveless Under Armour t-shirt, jeans, boots and straw cowboy hat. Needless to say I got some curious looks as I strode through the neighborhood. Checking my phone, another message from the information broker, “You’re good, come ahead when you’re ready.”. I nodded and approached the apartment door with a yellow ribbon tied to the knob. This was a very old code, we used this as part of our training in Puerto Rico. “Curious”, I say quietly to myself. I take the envelope out of my back pocket and slide it into the mail slot. I step back away from the door and lean against the railing. I hear scrambling inside of the apartment, then I could have sworn I heard a sigh of relief.

“You got my shit?!”, was the question I got from a nearby window. I started to look over my shoulder but remembered the instructions I’d been given. “I’ve got it, I already placed it in the mail slot as instructed.” I said in a barely audible voice. I knew that voice, and evidently he knew mine. “I remember you.”, he said quietly. A DVD case lands just to the left of me. “All the information you need on those three is there. I hope you get her reinstated.”, again a quiet voice. I kneel down and pick up the case. “Thanks Sal, I’ll make sure to relay those sentiments to Maggie.”, I say finally.

Now the real work begins, I thought to myself as I went back to a black sedan parked nearby. I handed the DVD to Jeff who was sitting inside. He takes the case, then puts the car in gear and drives away, headed for his office no doubt. I make my way back to my bike, I swing my leg over the top and sit down. I take the straw hat off and put that in a saddle bag and loosely tie the flap down. Good thing they’re cheap I thought to myself as I turned the motor over. I lift the kickstand and roll the bike out of the spot backwards. Then I engage the clutch and shift into first gear, heading back toward the highway at a low rate of speed.

I soon found my way to the florist, it wasn’t really all that far from the drop point. I walked into the shop, the bell on the door gave a soothing soft chime as I walked in. A young woman at the counter greeted me as I walked in, “Welcome to Sandtown Floral, how may I help you today?”. I returned the smile and approached the counter, “Thank you Miss…”, she had no name tag to identify her. “Call me Cammy”, she said with a smile. “Cammy, got it, anyway I had called earlier about an order.”, I say as I dig my wallet out. “You do realize that’s a lot of flowers right?”, she says, obviously amused at my presumed ignorance. “I do, I need to fill roughly three hundred square feet of a woman’s apartment in Atlantic City, New Jersey.”, I respond to her amusement with a little knowledge. The look of shock on her face was causing me to have issues fighting back the laughter. “I realize this is an unusual request, and if your shop can’t handle it I can try another shop closer to where she lives. I just wanted to give my money to a local business.”.

She shook her shock away with a quick shaking of her head, “No, no we can handle it.” I fill out the order form and hand her my black american express card. “Lucky girl.”, she quips as she rings up the purchase. “Anniversary?”, she asks, making small talk. “Birthday”, I responded. “I think I’m the lucky one, if I’m honest about it.”. She smiles at me, “Sounds like you both are and she sounds amazing.”. I smile and nod so she knows I agree with her assessment. I keep thinking that doing this, well, it’s going to seem over the top but hell, she deserves it. All the shit she’s been through lately.

Fade

***

{Baltimore MD - Bane House - “Maggie’s Justice”}

[Off-Camera]

The sunlight streamed into the dining room, Maggie was sitting with her back to the window and the sun bathed her in radiance. Like the poor special effects from one of those cheesy religious television series making her appear almost angelic. I smiled at my friend who had also started putting on some weight and working out with my daughter every morning. Maggie Fletcher was a few years older than me, I knew she was approaching fifty, although we didn’t speak of this. A gentleman never asks those questions. During the lockdown I’d been able to pretty much work at the soup kitchen near downtown daily. I don’t know if they appreciated it or not but I appreciated them letting me help the homeless. Today was special though, today I was waiting on a call from an old friend about his progress on Maggie’s behalf.

Thing is, I haven’t even told Maggie what I was doing for her. There was no reason to say anything about it, doing that might give her an elevated expectation. I’d hate to do that and have her be disappointed. I’m a very private person, and I don’t let too many people get close to me. The fact that Amber Ryan had, spoke volumes to who she is as a human being. I don’t trust easy and I don’t fall easy either. When I do though, it's all or nothing. Simple truth is, I was falling hard and fast. There were times that my conscience nagged at me. Did I mourn the death of my wife long enough? Did I do enough for my children? Do I deserve someone like Amber? Amber came to mean more and more to me each day, the dynamic between the two of us was amazing. Our chemistry was off the charts, I knew it and even though we don’t publicly acknowledge it. It’s not like we’re hiding anything. My self reflection and revere is broken by the chiming….and god I hate that device...

The all too familiar chiming of the “Ring” Doorbell went off just then. I wasn’t expecting company, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw the face of my old friend, Captain Jeff Castello. A man whom Maggie and I both served under while in the U.S. Navy, he had been our commanding officer in Puerto Rico. I press the button to buzz the door, “Hey Jeff, it’s open, come on in.”. Jeff waves at the camera and opens the door, he sees us and makes his way to the dining room. Maggie is smiling so hard right now, it’s like her face is going to split into from it. She stands up and hugs Jeff. The Captain had been a career sailor and a damn good one. A lot of what I know about integrity and honor, I learned from this man. He is the epitome of what an officer in the United States Navy should be.

Maggie gushes at our old c.o., “God! How long has it been Jeff?”. He smiled a kindly smile at Maggie, “Far too long Maggs.”. Maggie looked back and forth between the two, she smirked knowingly at both of us. “You two are up to something….I can smell it…” I feign surprise and shock at her accusation. Jeff mimics my reaction, “Why dear Maggie Fletcher, whatever are you trying to insinuate?”. “Spill”, she states flatly and without amusement. This is the moment when Jeff hands me the manilla folder that he carried in with him. I cannot keep that smile from my face. Before Maggie can begin to get angry, Jeff explains a few things to her. “Maggie, don’t be mad and yes we’ve been up to something. All legal and above board...ish”. She looked at Jeff, then back at me and sighed that heavy, almost motherly type sigh that you could tell when your mom was reaching the end of her patience. I hand her the manilla folder, “Maggie, this is about justice for you. For the wrongs committed against the best damn black officer I ever served under.”.

The folder sat on the table for a moment, “I don’t know what to say.”, she murmured softly. She opens the folder and looks at the first document, her eyes welled with tears, “This is my service record…”, she finally stammered. “All of the charges….dismissed….my retirement….my commission….All restored?”. She leaned back hard in her chair, she was obviously waiting on us to say something, anything at all to explain how this was even possible. I finally break my silence, “You don’t have to say anything at all Maggs, the men that did this to you are going to pay. What happened to you should never have happened. There’s a lot of shit in this world I can’t do anything about, but this I can, and with Jeff’s help we have.”

Maggie buried her head in her hands, now openly weeping, tears of joy this time though. That made me smile, just as any time I get to help someone does. It matters, it all matters to me even when it may not matter to anyone else. Maggie is as much a member of my family as my sons or my daughter. Smiling, Jeff slaps me on the back, “Well brother, I got to run, it’s a busy time at the fort and I have people to talk to yet. Maggs, your first retirement check will arrive in about two weeks. The pentagon has elected to make you whole. That means back pay, you’ll be able to move out of here if you want to. I can’t imagine living with this salty bastard has been easy.”. I start to laugh but then I stop abruptly, “Hey now.”.

I stand up and embrace my old friend with a warm hug. “Thank you again Jeff, this means the world to all of us.”. Maggie then comes around the table and if there were such a thing as a tackle hug, that’s what it would look like. We embrace her in kind. “This might be the best day I’ve had in over ten years Mac, thank you both so much, I love you boys dearly.”. I respond with equal affection, “And we love you Maggie Fletcher.”. She pats me on the chest, “There’s truly nothing you won’t do for someone you love is there Mac?”. I smile at my old friend, “No ma’am, there really isn’t.”. She returns my smile, “I wonder if Miss Ryan knows what she’s gotten herself into?”. Jeff chimes in, “Do what? You got a new woman?”. I glare at Jeff, “Yes Jeff, I know many women.”. He barks a laugh and slaps his leg, “We all know many, but she actually likes you?”. Maggie breaks in with a question, quelling Jeff’s picking on me, “I would like to know how you two accomplished this.”, she said pointing at the manilla folder. I was often thankful for Maggie interrupting people who were trying to amuse themselves at my expense. “Well, we didn’t do it all by ourselves, we did have some help.”, I mused. “Spill Macky.”, she responded in that very Maggie kind of way.

So, we told her the story...

Fade.

*****

{Undisclosed Location - “Honest Words”}

The picture starts as static, then goes to pitch black.

“Underground, Redemption is the name of the pay per view”, I say as I begin to talk about this match.

Somewhere in the distance a thump is heard, there is light in the distance, it casts a silhouette of the man speaking. Another thump as a breaker is engaged, and more light, now outlining Mac Bane. More light does not however mean more visibility. It casts his face in shadows. Another thump of a breaker being engaged, and more of the room is visible now. And again, another breaker is thrown and the room is visible. It’s stark white, almost sterile in contrast to the jet black stetson cowboy hat, duster, jeans and boots. Wearing my poker face, I begin...

“The name itself insinuates atonement, making up for your actions. It also insinuates seeking the approval of others. I refuse that line of thought, why would I want to make myself a prisoner? Angel, at the last Chaos, you defeated my son in a convincing fashion, to earn a shot at this.”

I unstrap the Baltimore City Championship from around my waste, hoisting it up on my shoulder. Once in place I continue.

“The Baltimore City Championship.

It wasn’t what you did or how you went about beating my son in a convincing manner. It was what you said prior to that match. You told the world that you were going to win, you did it with conviction and probably a little too much bravado. Even that in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, confidence serves you well as long as you don’t allow it to turn into arrogance.

That wasn’t even the most important aspect of what you had to say. You spoke passionately of the plight of the black community in this country. I applaud that, I really do. Standing up for what you believe in is one of the most important things a man or woman can do for themselves and those they love. The only problem I had with anything you had to say, was when you played the proverbial “Race Card.”. It wasn’t Jimmy that was the target of your ire but it was directed at Carnage Wrestling. Carnage is my home and I defend it like I do a member of my own family.

I’ll give you credit kid, you went on to say that you don’t believe that the company itself is racist but you railed against the fact that there aren’t many people who look like you in the hall of fame or it’s list of former champions. Something you may not be aware of, two of the most important champions of the modern history of Carnage were men of color. The Sandtown Kid, a native of Baltimore. He won the UV Title and made it mean as much as the Baltimore City Championship. In the eyes of some, he made it more important. He defended that belt five times before it was taken from him. Losing to Will Prydor is nothing to be ashamed of. If you were to ask Lucas, he would tell you the same thing.

Bryan Ford, an interesting guy to say the least. He didn’t hold the Baltimore City Title all that long but what he did was help to elevate it back to where it belonged. Like you, he didn’t realize the buzz-saw that he was about to encounter in Ken Davison. Aries Reed, a two time Baltimore City Champion. Sam Action is also a two time Baltimore City Champion. Know your history before you run your mouth. I’ve defended this title with honor and integrity, taking on all who have pursued the opportunity. The color of a man’s skin matters less to me than the religion they follow or the political party they are affiliated with. Sounds like a typical “white” answer right? What if I told you it was simply the truth. As you listen to my words, I’m sure you believe that I’ve taken your accusations, veiled or not, personally. If that were the case then I wouldn’t have helped you, I would have ignored the ask for help on social media.

The plight of the black community doesn’t ring hollow in our ears. We hear you, the fight against bad police officers and corrupt politicians is a very real thing. It’s real for all of us my young friend. None of the things I’ve said are intended to be disrespectful to you or to the cause you stand for and with. It’s meant to serve as the voice of support and of respect for you personally. Since you’ve been in Carnage you’ve earned the respect of many men and women because of your ability. What happened with you being jumped twice in one night? That is the nature of this business. Any time you look like a threat to someone else's dominance or path, you get jumped. That’s not to say it makes it right, it’s just the nature of the beast. Let me assure you, it has zero to do with the color of your skin. In this game we call wrestling, you have to have your head on a swivel kid. They’ll try to capitalize on any weakness, real or imagined.

They’ll try to break you if they can, and recruit you if they cannot. I think that’s enough sage advice from this old man for now. The thing that really matters to you and to me is our match. This will be my third defense and not my last. Despite your confidence and ability, you are not ready to represent the people of Baltimore. You are young, very athletic and very strong of spirit and mind. Your youth will not save you from what is to come. This is not a threat Angel, far from it. It’s just a simple matter of fact. When you step between the ropes with me, you’re entering a different world. You may have beaten my son for this opportunity, but you are even less prepared for this match than he would have been. I taught him everything he knows about this business, it’s what a father and a veteran is supposed to do. I did not however teach him everything I know about this business. That comes with time and experience, you have neither of these luxuries on your side.

Since early December, my training regimen has been focused around core strength and speed training. I knew that with the new blood coming into Carnage I would have to get better. I would have to be stronger and faster in order to counter the youth movement and maintain my position in the food chain so to speak. I’ve dropped from two hundred and ninety two pounds down to two hundred eighty pounds. It’s been a game changer for me and allowed me to go through a renaissance of sorts. See, I was never going to be a high flyer at my size. I started out as a technical wrestler but moved to a more brawling style as was popular at that time.

I’ve expanded my arsenal, which will be on full display when you and I meet in the ring. I’ve worked my ass off to win this title and maintain it, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let someone brand new to Carnage undo the work I’ve put in. I saw what you did in that last match when you looked out in the crowd that didn’t exist and you snapped. Righteous anger from nowhere. He wasn’t ready for that though was he? That’s not something you can scout or even know about. I know about it all too well, the rage that lives in your heart, I know it. I lived it for over a decade. Trying to destroy everything in my path, a big difference between you and I though. I’m “The One Man Wrecking Crew” and you’re not. You’re not the destroyer type, you are definitely a warrior. One thing to remember when you step in that ring with me. You get sideways on me kid and I’ll be the bane of your existence.

Fin